Divorce

[DryBear]

So I am going through the motions of getting a divorce, and want to know if anyone else has any experience with divorce and for things to watch out for.

[Fanta]

Roberto has ( I hate to point him out in all of this, he's just the only member that comes to mind )

[87quest_stv]

Never been through one. And by the grace of God won't. Divorce can be bad especially if kids are involved. If there are no kids then no sweat. Just make sure the both of you don't use the same lawyer. to "save money" you will almost surely get the short end of the stick. Make sure you document every single interaction with your wife on paper from here on out. This is extremely important if and when you appear in court. Document dates, and times of in person interaction as well as phone calls or text messages as to what transpired. Keep a notepad and pen on you at all times. Be specific with the information. Not monday afternoon. but April 17, 2012 2:27pm etc. Having a detail record of wheatever interaction you have will either make or break whatever case is being brought against you or for you in the courtroom. Also whatever you do Don't get mad or yell or threaten. it only makes things worse. She's going to say things that she knows will tick you off. Just let it roll off your back. Ask the Lord for strength. Whether you believe or don't he's still listening. Always take the high road

 

If it's a real bad divorce. You can remind your wife that she will be committing adultery with any man, other than you, she remarries down the road, regardless what it says on paper.

Edited April 17, 2012 by 87quest_stv

[87quest_stv]

Also to add. If you think there are still feelings there on both sides. Then perhaps counseling will bring you both back together. Make sure it's what you both want. Not because You backed yourself into a corner with the threat of divorce and think that you have to go through with it now. If you didn't cheat on her and she didnt cheat on you. Then , through understanding and patience, you can be brought back together.

[alp247]

well first off i have been through it and it can be rough. if there is no cheating and no kids involved then it can be pretty easy. For the most part i suggest try to stay calm and get on common grounds with each other and try to solve things out of court. If you the both of you can manage to separate what you want to keep and what she wants to keep then it will be easy. if you two can do that and sign one paper on who gets what and make a copy for each of you then your golden. If you two cannot to that then that is when things get hard. If you have kids that is where the real nightmare begins. Just FYI you don't need the other to sign the divorce paper to go through a divorce. it will take longer for the divorce to happen if the both of you don't sign. i hope this helps. just remember write everything down and both of you sign it just in case you have to go to court for items.

[DryBear]

Well we have 2 daughters (twins), and I know I will be getting full custody, as she is mentally ill, and has had a run in from child protective services (she was not allowed near the girls for half a year). No chance of us staying together - my feelings for her have long gone (most likely after the time she tried to stab me in my sleep).

 

I've tried to help her through her illness, but it is a losing battle - you can only help those who want/are willing to receive the help. She already has a new boyfriend (another person who has a mental illness), and I honestly could care less.

 

We have already decided on who gets what. I of course keep the Starion and the house, while she gets to keep the Minivan (whoopie lol) and will move in with her new guy. I will certainly get this in writing - thanks for mentioning that.

 

I really just want to get it over with, and get her out of my house - it is under only my name after all, and I am the only one making money. She does receive money from SSI, though - she thinks its for her work as "a psychic"

Edited April 17, 2012 by DryBear

[Crazy larry]

It is not quick.. Good luck to you

[MainstreaM]

Just finished mine up in March. Best advice I can give you is a get a lawyer immediately. Like anything else you get what you pay for. My divorce was peaceful and we went in with everything planned out. We could have filed the paper work ourselves and not used a lawyer, but you know what they say, CYA. Another option was the cheap "divorce" lawyers, but I had peace of mind knowing that I had some one covering my back and not letting me get swindled in a mire of lawyer language. I hired a female lawyer and she was the biggest b***h in the court, but she's good. You may be agreeable to everything now but it could all change in an instant, especially with someone who is unstable, and then the fight is on. Make sure that whatever lawyer you choose is representing you and you only, otherwise they may not have your best interests in mind. You are paying this person to do a job for you and if you don't like their work, you can fire a lawyer just like anyone else. If you get a good one, do exactly what they tell you to do. It's not an easy thing to go through even when both parties are agreeable to the terms, don't be afraid to lean on friends and family. Take a parenting class, you'll probably have to anyway. It's not about teaching you to be a parent, it's about how to handle the changes in your relationship with your soon to be ex and children.

 

Kane

[Komeuppance]

Damn Len, sucks to hear. I hope things turn out well for you and your kids.

 

-Robert

[Guest]

Sorry to hear that. Wish the best to you and your daughters. Keep your composure and strength as to make it less painful for them.

 

And best you can do is lawyer up, get it in writing, specially the terms of your daughters. Good luck to you.

[Gamble88]

First a few things. What state are you in? Laws are different per state.

Sometimes it doesn't matter if it's in your name or hers or both. It could depend on when it was purchased. I purchased my house and car before I was married. I sunk oh I don't know say $40k into the car throughout the 5-6 years I had it. She knew she couldn't touch the car, however she tried to get stuff that was done to the car during the marriage. 99% of the car was done prior to getting married but she also tried to say that I "wasted" marital income on car and wanted money for it.

My divorce has been on going for 2.5 years now in court. And yes my daughter just turned 2, so do the math.

It's not fun, it's a LONG, EXPENSIVE, and drawn out process. Bottom line if you think your lawyer is doing what is in YOUR best interest, think again. The first lady I hired did a bad job so I fired her. This guy I'm about ready to, but don't want to because I'm so close to the end. He has tried to be my best friend but has also ******** me over and over and over countless times.

Few things you need to do ASAP. Get a safe and keep it someplace not in your house. And put as much CASH away as possible. That can't be traced. If she is in your bank account, empty it. I was going through mine and my ex wife never took a dime from me as I trusted her. Then out of nowhere she had a change of heart and took all my money on pay day and left me with $12. I was out of state on work and couldn't do anything.

Guess what the court said? NOTHING!!!

As stated before DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Even if it's not important. Find out your local laws about audio/video/phone call recording. I did a audio recording of my ex putting my daughter in / out of the car every time. And go figure it was the times I started to regain my trust I stopped. Seems like everytime i stopped she would yell or do something and I missed my chance. Finally though, I caught her. She was yelling, swearing, clapping in my ear, being the biggest crazy person every in front of my daughter.

Other things to do. Change ALL your passwords for everything, yes even the forums. Save your notes and have this thread deleted. My ex went on my forums she knew I was on and started looking to see what i was up to. She even registered and said she was some dude with X car in a nearby town just to keep tabs on me and see what meets and such I would go to.

If you are worried about your car put it in a friends name.

However overall the MOST important thing is to put your daughters needs first. You do what you think is in the best interest for THEM, not you and not your wife. I've always put my daughters need first and foremost and it has caused me a lot of pain and other crap, but i do it all for her. I honestly hate my ex. However I try to go out to dinner with her every so often so that our daughter knows her mom and dad are on the same page and I want my daughter to have good memories of us as a family. It's not something i would do if the baby wasn't around and I was getting divorced hell no. Her mom ***** at me ALL the time. Just keep it simple and calm and don't let your emotions get the best of you.

One thing though that i've heard from many lawyers in court is, "it's not how bad you can make the other parent look, it's how good of a parent you make yourself look"

Also if you need a GAL (lawyer for the kids) kiss all your cash and crap goodbye. They are NOT cheap. Ask me how I know. 2+ years in my divorce and I'm out a minimal of $20k thus far, and $800 a month in child support, plus I still have to pay the ex wifes health insurance until we are divorced. So that is another few hundred I don't see every month.

Oh and the court gave my exwife SOLE custody.......why.......because the GAL is a farging complain and she is all for the women. She told me that she gets sold custody because she is such a complain and we can't talk to each other. My words not hers. Her words were, if you guys don't get along and can't talk to each other you will never agree on decisions together so she gets sole custody.

 

honestly it's not a huge deal it's just words. Sole custody means you get a say so in Dr, religion and school. That's all it gets you. Well my daughter has a good doctor. Not my favorite but he is good. She has a religion already so all I would have a say so in is school. My ex is going to send her to private school just because she knows it will cost me a s*** ton. She wants me to live in a cardboard box the rest of my life so anyway she can do it she will.

 

I have done a LOT of reading/writing and researching. If you need help or want to talk pm me and i'll give you my email. I'll help you as much as I can.

Few more notes:

Another good thing to do is put yourself around positive people.

ALWAYS have a witness with you. This way it will never be a he said she said type deal.

Swallow your pride and do it for your kids.

NEVER say that she won't or wouldn't do it. you will be surprised.

 

 

Also FYI, you may get sick over all this, I did a few times. I used to get panic attacks and anxiety when seeing my ex from picking up and dropping off. It wears you out so when I got back home it was hard to enjoy time with the baby because I was so tired.

[Technology]

I had an ex girlfriend try to stab me once. Needless to say, that was the end of that relationship.

[racer_amx]

(most likely after the time she tried to stab me in my sleep).

 

I had an ex girlfriend try to stab me once.

[alp247]

drybear,

I was not trying to be the one to slam you with all the info but Gamble88 is right for the most part. I was waiting to chime in later and say more but if you have the money to pony up on a lawery. Especially in CA it always favors the women when it comes to custody battle. You have your childresn now but when it comes to court in CA you'll be suprised how they make you seem like the bad person. Then blame you for why she ended up the way she did and next thing you know...BAM the children are in her custody. If your wife decides to wake up and say she is takign classes or going through theraphy to get better then things can change in court in a flash. It's happen to friend of mine. He didn't know his wife was bipolar and she stole the 1yr and went missing for months and even tried to stab him as well. He had everything document with all the police reports and when they went to court. He thought it was a slam done deal and he would win....no they still let her have the kid all because she changed last minute and had a lawyer. As Gamble mention put money away if you can but i don't recommend in your home but if you trust someone like your parents have them open you a safety deposit box and store cash in there. You need to hide most of your assets and as mentioned CYA.

 

1.if you can afford it hire a lawyer...in CA for when childeren is involved....very recommended

 

2.document everything....make a book and prepare to see why youe more fit to have the children than her

 

3.hide your assets especially the cash portion

 

Yes think of your childeren. Always stay calm and be the better one. If and when you two meet face to face for mediation.....if she get crazy stay calm. Everything you do is under microscope now. Be the better parent it helps in court.

[DryBear]

Thanks for all the input - I'm taking notes and shoring up the battle lines - I am hoping for an amicable split, but I will CMA as mentioned.

[Chad]

Covering your butt will cost you far less time and $$ than if you don't. I've known many friends that had gotten the shaft in court cuase they were ill prepared. Do your best to get a signed agreement now while she is still in a happy place. Once things get closer to final, she may change her mind. Gettign that stuff established now will set a precident for later

 

Documet your own actions, not just hers. Taking kids out for activities, to friends houses, visiting realitives, taking them to the Dr, school conferances, etc. Shows you are doing the moms job. Mom doesn't need to be female, but kids need a mom. If you are mom, document it. keep a journal if it helps keep the events organized, just don't not do it. Even if it ends up100% smooth and you get what you want out of it, still be prepared. Also be prepared to let thigns go in favor of a peaceful split. I've seen people fight over stuff that can easily be replaced, or spend thousands in court costs over hundereds of dollars. Know the cost and value of your freedom from her.

[Gamble88]

Documentation is VERY important. I thought awhile ago that things started to go very well so it was no big deal to stop writing it down. BIG mistake. Write it down every time and save it, it only takes a second two to write it down in a notebook. Be sure to date and timestamp ALL entries.

[nomad]

Look into a "Credit Freeze" on your self and as a married couple. This will help prevent any new loans or credit cards being opened that you would be liable for. You don't want her to open up a new Platinum card as a married couple to pay her lawyer $8000 and then being stuck with it yourself.

There will be a fee you pay to each of the Credit reporting agencies (Equifax, Experion, Transunion), and I dont think you can put one on her with out her consent.

 

Best of luck, divorce can be brutal.

[MainstreaM]

While you are writing, make sure it is all facts. Times, Dates,where you went, what you did, how much it cost (be careful here, spend too much and a judge will think you are trying to buy the kids affection). Short and descriptive is best. Just enough to get the idea, not a play by play of the days activities. Here's a good example:

4/17/12

Picked up children from their mothers house at 8:00am. Her name wasn't there, her mother said she was working,

Arrived at the city park at 8:30 to play and run some energy out.

at 12:00 arrived home for lunch,

Hung out around the house until 3:30 when we went to the Saturday matinee at a cost of 36 dollars with refreshments.

After the matinee came home and played in the yard until 8 at which time it was time to get ready for bed

 

That's a quick and easy way I've used to document everything using facts leaving out emotion. Everything in a sentence or less is really pleasing to a judge since he can quickly scan over it and get the jist of things., Carry this thing with you anywhere and every where you go and never ever leave it unattended. I had an ex get ahold of mine when I left my car door unlocked at work. She also destroyed tapes I had of her verbally abusing me.

 

This sucks, so if you need someone to lean on, feel free to pm me. I've been through one peaceful divorce and a nasty custody battle across state lines.

 

Kane

[BrazilBoy]

Len,

The most important part is documentation and a collaborating witness... A notarized letter is admissible in court, meet her at a bank or another location with notary services so it will be signed in front of the notary then stamped... Make 2 copies of agreed upon items especially custody one for you and one for her hand the second copy to her in front of the notary, so if the notary is asked to testify she cannot claim "not knowing"... You want witness lists, documentation of mental disorder, you want your attorney fully armed for court... Also subpena her mental health records not so much for this case of custody but to have in tow for any unforseen attacks from her... Depending how old the kids are get them into therapy, this is good for them and is also admissible in court,, Good luck and God bless brother..

 

Roberto