Would be ok for your wife to remain friends with an ex BF?

[natedog_37]

My wifes EX is a friend of mine. We all talk and get along. I trust her and have no problems with them talking.

[Vnomous1]

I thought about putting in a hell no poll option but it seemed a little over the top.

 

What started this subject with my wife she has an ex that has remained a friend. I'm ok with it to a point. I trust my wife completely. She hadn't seen him in years and he was in town. I let him come stay for a few days so they could talk and catch up. I made it abundantly clear though if I had to go somewhere one of them had to come with me. I don't think it's morally right to leave them alone together in the house. Again I trust my wife, I do not trust him. Well recently when she was talking to him online he invited her to go to legoland with him. Just him, without me. I knew I couldn't trust him. My wife turned him down and talked to me about it. To have a good marriage you need to be able to trust each other and be able to comunicate openly. Now we are both weary of his intentions and she may stop talking to him all together.

 

 

Don't trust the dirty jerk! He obviously has intentions on trying to rekindle something. Stay in your house? Are you nuts?! If he had something to say to your wife, it should have been brief and he should have been on his way, period. Trust is great, but don't provide the wood for the fire, then search for a water hose to put it out. Never let anyone like that stay in your home again!

[ucw458]

Don't trust the dirty jerk! He obviously has intentions on trying to rekindle something. Stay in your house? Are you nuts?! If he had something to say to your wife, it should have been brief and he should have been on his way, period. Trust is great, but don't provide the wood for the fire, then search for a water hose to put it out. Never let anyone like that stay in your home again!

 

I had the situation under control. I dropped a few not so subtle hints. Like suggesting the shovel I left in the backyard was for him to dig a very deep hole with if he pissed me off.

[lmwii]

Ok well if this is someone you should marry there should be no issue with trust with that person. If you can't trust them they shoudn't be your G/F much less marry them.

there is still a line, regardless of trust. what i mentioned in my earlier post was that there is a certain level of intimacy that belongs only to a spouse/significant other.

 

example - even with total trust that your wife would never have sex with anyone else, would you be ok if she slept in the arms of her ex? if she talked about her deepest fears and insecurities with her ex? if she took private tango lessons with an ex?

 

trust is part of the equation, but without knowing and agreeing on the terms of the relationships of each part of the triangle, it's nothing.

[Guest]

I had the situation under control. I dropped a few not so subtle hints. Like suggesting the shovel I left in the backyard was for him to dig a very deep hole with if he pissed me off.

 

Why the back yard? You know we got plenty of empty space here in Sun Valley, maybe near a junk yard, it would be just another day in Sun Valley! lol

[chiplee]

My wife and I were talking about this. I don't think it would be proper. Even if it is innocent there is potential for it to become not so innocent. Same goes for a husband to be friends with his ex. A friend is ok but and ex being a friend I feel can strain a marriage. It adds a level of doubt in a relationship that can lead to a falling out.

 

My wife and I ran a simple test when deciding who we could and couldn't stay in touch with. We asked ourselves if the person in question could ever be friends with "both" of us. Why would either of us want a friend that couldn't be "our" friend eventually? For example, if I wanted to have communications with an ex, I had to be able to honestly imagine that ex coming over to our house for dinner. In the end there was exactly one case where this seemed possible, and that is the ex I keep extremely limited contact with. Same rules applied for both of us, obviously.

 

Additionally, when you're asking someone to "take it on faith" that they can trust you forever to not deceive them or make it so they're living a lie, the least you can do is open your entire life to them. Email accounts,text messages, facebook, myspace (before it died), whatever. My wife and I are completely comfortable leaving all of these things logged in 24/7 with no supervision or concern for what might be found. We changed our phone numbers, purged our contact lists, basically gave ourselves a clean slate with each other, just to minimize the outside influence on our beginning. We were both in somewhat high demand when we met, and it just felt "icky" as she put it every time another text or email would show up. If you don't disclose that stuff completely in the beginning, then unfortunately the perception of impropriety can be nearly as damaging as real impropriety, whether anyone has trust issues or not. Fail to tell your fiance that you've been receiving emails from and ex, and then leave your email open 2 months after your wedding, and your poor young wife could be given the impression you've been keeping something from her. Innocent or not, perception and security are important. Each person in a relationship has to get to a place where the other person's peace of mind is more important than their own privacy, or "right" to keep "friends". In general, if you're doing or saying something you wouldn't do or say if your wife was right their, then you're wrong, and you're betraying her.

 

 

What are your thoughts? What if your wife chatted with an ex online and justified it with, "it's innocent. I'm allowed to have a friend."

 

I would tell her she hasn't thought it through and explain why she was wrong. The reasons for full disclosure and cutting ties with ex's aren't exactly obvious. Society's answer is almost always wrong, and this case is no exception. The "it's innocent, I'm allowed to have friends" answer works for dating relationships, but should also be a sign that things aren't very serious, or your connection isn't strong at all. That is the socially acceptable response to this problem. "Who are you to decide who I'm friends with?" But it isn't about one person deciding who the other remains or becomes friends with. It should be each person's own choice to cut ties with ex's. This comes very easily for people who are seriously happy to have each other. People in relationships are usually just marking time until something better comes along, which is why this social pressure has developed that tries to make it socially embarrassing to care who your significant other's friends are. We've made it so the concerned party looks insecure or jealous, when in reality they're just correct to disapprove of the friendship if the relationship is expected to progress. The fix for this problem isn't just to pretend that the person who doesn't like it is the one with the trust issues. The fix is to find someone who is so into you that they can't find the time or the interest to bother with an ex, especially not without a highly selective and pre-briefed gameplan for sorting the wheat from the chaff.

Edited March 29, 2010 by chiplee

[mstieg]

As has been said - depends on who and the situation currently and in the past relationship, how/why the breakup, etc.

 

I'm still good friends with my ex of over 4 years together. Now she's dating a good friend of mine. I've talked to both of them at length to ensure all is well, and even feel I need to keep that up so he doesn't see me as a threat. She's not good for me, but I was pretty good for her, so it seemed a bit odd at first when they started together. I backed away and let them come back to me as it wasn't my place to provide her with those frequent talks anymore, even as just a friend. Would be much better if I found a winner for myself also though. I'm too picky w/ my women.

 

Gotta say from my friend's persepective it's still a bit tricky, he is obligated to trust her or risk looking jealous and he can't and shouldn't prevent us from being friends since the relationship my ex & I goes so far. Like I said, I keep my distance and assure him I'm NOT interested.

 

Interesting topic for discussion though...lots of ways this can go.

[jwrape]

My wife is friends with most all of her Ex's. it's never been a problem. we've partied together many times. Never been an issue.

[mquester]

I might be missing the point...but

Ive never met anyone that was totally secure in themselves...and those that say they are....are insecure liars. HAHAH

No one is perfect. If my wife knows something she is doing would or could hurt me she wouldnt do it. And I wouldnt do it to her. I wouldnt mind my wife being friends with an ex...but I would not want an emotional connection. She should tell me everything not the other person. That is what would bother me and she wouldnt do it.

Make sense?

[Starfighterpilot]

I think Chris Rock probably said it best, "A man is only as faithful as his opportunities." I believe that same logic can be applied to woman.

 

So basically, in plane Jane terms, there is trust. But there are also limits as to what is appropiate and inappropiate behavior. Why place oneself in temptation or allow your partner to be placed in temptation?

 

I firmly agree with you!!

 

I'll give you an example of what can happen to a marriage/relationship if ex-boyfriends/girl friends come into the picture.

 

I was married HAPPILY to my second wife (Connie) for 14 years. She is 15 years younger than I and is pretty good looking. We shared everything, made decisions together, had a great relationship in and out of bed, and shared with each other our inner most thoughts, needs and feelings. In plain words we believed we were soul mates. I was so happy with the relationship, that sometimes I would pinch myself just to make sure that I hadn't died and went to heaven or was dreaming.

 

We both owned a printing company that was doing very well. Having money was never an issue.

 

April, 2003, we went to a Boys and Girls Club benefit dance here in Atlanta. At this dance Connie ran into her ex - boyfriend from college. I knew about him cuz she shared that time in her life with me. We talked for about 5 minutes and then we went our separate ways, and had a great time at the benefit dance.

 

Fast forward to the third Friday evening of June, 2003. Our daughter, Anna (my youngest daughter), was at an overnite at one of her friends house. Connie and I went out to dinner. I pull the Starion into the garage and turn off the engine. Connie says, "I want to tell you something."

 

I stupidly say, "What is it"?

 

She says, "I want a divorce. Anna and I are going to Florida for two weeks and I want you to be out of the house when we come back."

 

I was devastated!!!

 

Turns out that Bob, the ex college boyfriend, had contacted her after the benefit and in 9 weeks she fell for him again. He is from an OLD MONEY (pre Revolutionary War) Eastern PA family. He alone was worth about $70-80 Million at that time. He is an only son, who was never married (having too much fun being single) and his Father was dying from cancer and asked Bob to get married and have a son. That branch of his family needed another male heir to carry on the family dynasty. Enough said? They married in October, 2003 and their son was born in August, 2004. The son is never disciplined and is a SPOILED BRAT.

 

Connie and I had spent about $2.5 million on the company for Two new 5 color digital printing presses plus completely digitized the pre press department about 6 months earlier. This investment in the company wouldn't be paid off until about 9/07.

 

Per Bob's influence, Connie stipulated that she wanted 1/2 of the company, paid in cash, when the divorce was final. It's a long sad story, which I don't want to go into, but because of the printing company's debt load and her wanting 50% of the company's worth in cash, when the divorce was final, 8/31/03, I not only lost my wife but practically every cent and investment I had worked for since 1963. Plus my credit rating is so bad, as a result of the divorce, my credit rating is off the bottom of the credit score charts.

 

BTW - Connie's family won't have anything to do with her because of what she did to Anna and I because of money. Her brothers treat me as their brother. And I have ANNA, at least, every other week-end.

 

So you people who think it's OK for your partner in life to have a ex as a "friend" are just deluding yourself and asking for trouble. Having a GOOD relationship with your partner is hard enough under the most ideal of life's circumstances, why potentially throw more crap in the game.

 

I could write about numerous other relationships/marriages that I have witnessed failing because of an "ex" coming back into the picture down through the years, but I won't.

 

Seeing those relationships fail over the years I was married to Connie, I always thought, "That could never happen to our relationship, it's too caring, strong, sharing, and loving." YEAH!!! RIGHT!!!

 

One Dirty Old Man's Opinion and Experience.

 

For What It's Worth.

 

KEN

[Guest]

I firmly agree with you!!

 

I'll give you an example of what can happen to a marriage/relationship if ex-boyfriends/girl friends come into the picture.

 

I was married HAPPILY to my second wife (Connie) for 14 years. She is 15 years younger than I and is pretty good looking. We shared everything, made decisions together, had a great relationship in and out of bed, and shared with each other our inner most thoughts, needs and feelings. In plain words we believed we were soul mates. I was so happy with the relationship, that sometimes I would pinch myself just to make sure that I hadn't died and went to heaven or was dreaming.

 

We both owned a printing company that was doing very well. Having money was never an issue.

 

April, 2003, we went to a Boys and Girls Club benefit dance here in Atlanta. At this dance Connie ran into her ex - boyfriend from college. I knew about him cuz she shared that time in her life with me. We talked for about 5 minutes and then we went our separate ways, and had a great time at the benefit dance.

 

Fast forward to the third Friday evening of June, 2003. Our daughter, Anna (my youngest daughter), was at an overnite at one of her friends house. Connie and I went out to dinner. I pull the Starion into the garage and turn off the engine. Connie says, "I want to tell you something."

 

I stupidly say, "What is it"?

 

She says, "I want a divorce. Anna and I are going to Florida for two weeks and I want you to be out of the house when we come back."

 

I was devastated!!!

 

Turns out that Bob, the ex college boyfriend, had contacted her after the benefit and in 9 weeks she fell for him again. He is from an OLD MONEY (pre Revolutionary War) Eastern PA family. He alone was worth about $70-80 Million at that time. He is an only son, who was never married (having too much fun being single) and his Father was dying from cancer and asked Bob to get married and have a son. That branch of his family needed another male heir to carry on the family dynasty. Enough said? They married in October, 2003 and their son was born in August, 2004. The son is never disciplined and is a SPOILED BRAT.

 

Connie and I had spent about $2.5 million on the company for Two new 5 color digital printing presses plus completely digitized the pre press department about 6 months earlier. This investment in the company wouldn't be paid off until about 9/07.

 

Per Bob's influence, Connie stipulated that she wanted 1/2 of the company, paid in cash, when the divorce was final. It's a long sad story, which I don't want to go into, but because of the printing company's debt load and her wanting 50% of the company's worth in cash, when the divorce was final, 8/31/03, I not only lost my wife but practically every cent and investment I had worked for since 1963. Plus my credit rating is so bad, as a result of the divorce, my credit rating is off the bottom of the credit score charts.

 

BTW - Connie's family won't have anything to do with her because of what she did to Anna and I because of money. Her brothers treat me as their brother. And I have ANNA, at least, every other week-end.

 

So you people who think it's OK for your partner in life to have a ex as a "friend" are just deluding yourself and asking for trouble. Having a GOOD relationship with your partner is hard enough under the most ideal of life's circumstances, why potentially throw more crap in the game.

 

I could write about numerous other relationships/marriages that I have witnessed failing because of an "ex" coming back into the picture down through the years, but I won't.

 

Seeing those relationships fail over the years I was married to Connie, I always thought, "That could never happen to our relationship, it's too caring, strong, sharing, and loving." YEAH!!! RIGHT!!!

 

One Dirty Old Man's Opinion and Experience.

 

For What It's Worth.

 

KEN

 

 

Ken, that's a tough turn in life. I too speak from a similar experience that is why I've now become more conservative and skeptical about certain things like friend relations with the opposite sex, for either persons. I'm not a jealous person, not one bit. But I am definately more cautious now.